did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
