I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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