Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
