I think I won the penis lottery.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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