I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
40s are totally the cure
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
