You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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