I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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