Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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