He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
