Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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