Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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