i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
