Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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