i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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