he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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