He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
