i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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