wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize