I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
