You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
