Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Your penis caused this!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
