Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
