i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I could fuck to npr.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize