I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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