I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
