I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
