It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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