she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
