took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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