So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
