Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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