I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
