Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
