You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
did i just pee glitter
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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