John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
