dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm too high and old for this...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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