Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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