You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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