well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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