Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
