I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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