Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
