It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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