wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
