a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Randomize
