bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
