I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
