Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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