he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
