Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
