Your dad touched me again.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize