omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
