my phone needs a breathalizer
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
