if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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