What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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