My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
