Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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