Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
