I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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