she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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