I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
