I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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