My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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