please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize