it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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