You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
