I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
