My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
