1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize