I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Randomize
