Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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